If you really knew me

I got this idea from a couple who "guested" on Oprah, Yvonne and Rich Dutra-St. John. They help break down barriers between people who are different. (check out Oprah's Challenge Day, if you're interested). One of the tools they use is "If you really knew me", a way to help people communicate better and get to know each other. I like the idea, thought I'd challenge myself, and maybe share some things that I don't think people know about me. So here goes...

If you really knew me, you'd know I love to laugh. All the time. Even about things that aren't really funny. It helps me deal with difficult situations.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I don't watch much TV, but I'm an avid fan of The Amazing Race, American Idol, General Hospital and Dancing with the Stars. This year I'm blogging on AI, because the voters vex me no end, and I have to get it off my chest.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I love languages. I speak two fluently (English and French), and mash up a third. I actually understand Spanish somewhat well, but I get nervous when I have to speak it, so it doesn't always come out right. (I can say that last sentence REALLY well in Spanish :)) You'd also know that I vexes me no end when people misuse their mother tongue. "Irregardless" is NOT a word, neither is "conversate", and Ebonics is not a language. Don't get me wrong - if you have no "edumacation", that's different, but if you graduated college/university these are things you should know.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm rather shy and quiet. I'm most content to sit in a crowded room and just observe people. The friendly, bubbly person that most see is just a front to protect the real me inside, developed because for some reason it bothers people to see someone sitting in a corner observing everyone else. Which leads to the next point...

If you really knew me, you'd know that people terrify me. Because of people, I do not trust easily. The thing about people is that they hurt one another, and I've got way too many scars. People that are supposed to love you can do and say the most horrible things, and unfortunately that can ruin it for others who are careful about such things. So yes, for those of you out there trying to be my friend, your efforts have not gone unnoticed, and in some cases, you've made a sizeable chink in my armor.

If you really knew me, you'd know that actions speak louder than words with me. Say what you want, I probably won't believe you. I'm watching what you do.

If you really knew me, you'd know that when you're in, you're in. I'm your friend for life, and there isn't much that I won't do for you. But know that my mind is like a steel trap, and my memory is like an elephant's. I've finally learned to forgive, but so far, I've yet to forget. You may be further back than when you first tried to pierce my armor. (I bet I know who's gonna comment on this part first LOL)

If you really knew me, you'd know that I am fiercely protective of my children. Almost to the point of being irrational. I'm working on it.

Oh I can't forget this one, it drives my best friend nuts. If you really knew me, you'd know I only answer direct questions. I'd be amazing in court. If you ask me a yes or no question, you'll get a yes or no answer. I'll be really clear on what you want to know, but if you don't ask... you get the point. Sometimes I have "openness day". Those are days when all restrictions are lifted, and I answer questions as fully as possible.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I can keep a secret. I will never repeat what you tell me in confidence. Oddly enough, people make the assumption that if you tell me, you've also told my husband. Nope... The "vault" is not shared, it is not community property. I will ask you for permission. If you start to tell me something that I realize I cannot or will not keep secret, I will stop you and tell you so. Anything after that is at your own risk if you've been warned.

If you really knew me, you'd know I have abandonment issues. Well, I'm not sure how you'd know, I only found out recently myself LOL. I have discovered that I don't take it well when friends move away... it took a lot of work on my part to let them in in the first place, and their lives are not supposed to move on until I'm ready. (You know who you are, feel guilty!) I've been really good though, and i'm working at maintaining those friendships so that when they come to their senses and move back, we can pick up where we left off. Props to KJ who saw the light and came back.

Lastly for today, if you really knew me, you'd know I have a quirky sense of humor - hopefully that comes through in my blogs. I love play on words and puns, so if you have any, don't hesitate to share. I may revisit this topic again in the future. if there's anything you want to know about me, ask - direct question of course - and maybe on my next "openness" day, I'll blog in more detail on that subject. I'd also like to know what people would know about you, if they really knew you.

Thanks for hanging out.

Doing what's right vs what feels good

I'm not a super ambitious person. I don't have really lofty aspirations or anything like that. When I was a girl, I wanted to be a good wife and mother. I was gonna stay home and bake cookies for my husband and sons. The best laid plans go awry sometimes, don't they? I did get married and have children, but since I work outside the home, my plans for being a good wife and mother went out the window. I had girls, not boys. Don't get me wrong, I adore them, they've probably taught me more than boys ever would have. The real reason I wanted boys was because I wouldn't have had hair to comb. If anyone tells you different, they're sorely mistaken - combing and plaiting kinky hair is a CHORE. I might have baked cookies once. I have not yet mastered the art of getting dinner on the table 5 minutes after I walk in the door, which is 10 mins after everyone has fainted from hunger.

That being said, I'd like to think I'm raising my girls right. People are often telling me how lovely and well-mannered they are. There's no denying that warms the cockles of my heart. But yesterday, I had reason to wish they weren't quite so polite. My youngest daughter tells me that a boy slapped her in the face at school, supposedly because she told him not to cut in front of her in the line. I haven't heard the other side of the story yet, so that may or may not be the case. Either way, she cried and she told the teacher on duty what happened.

Now, I sure know that I wanted to tell my daughter that if this boy interfered with her again, to drop him like a bad habit and kick the stuffing out of him. You know, teach him to be decent if his parents wouldn't. But in this day and age, can we do that as parents? When I was a kid, parents would say "if he hits you again, hit him back". If it came to that, you did, and that was typically the end of it. Or, the two sets of parents would meet, discuss, and make the kids shake hands, next thing you know they're best friends. These days, based on all we hear in the news, parents refuse to teach their children about consequences. The "victim" fights back, next thing you know, the victim is being sued and the aggressor is awarded ridiculous amounts of money. Or worse, someone ends up dead, as was the case in this school yard fight.

What I ended up doing was writing a letter to the school to find out what happened, and make sure they knew that I was aware... just in case it happens again. The response was that the child would face consequences - I'd sure like to know what they are. And yes, I know that I'm probably over-reacting and being over dramatic, as we are currently being bombarded with stories of Chris Brown allegedly assaulting a woman. But really, just in case this child is witnessing violence against women somewhere, shouldn't we do our best to correct the behavior now? I mean, I'm all for turning the other cheek, but when I've just been slapped in the first one, the other is turning because I'm just about to give a round house kick to the head. I digress. Thoughts?

It's NOT about me?

I remember planning my wedding, it was a bit of an ordeal. I'm not a party person, I hate being the center of attention. Even being in the same room as attention makes me want to jump out of my skin. But I'd decided to get married, my intended and I wanted our families there, so I was gonna have to grin and bear it. My mother asks if we're having a cash or open bar. Neither is my reply. I thought my future mother-in-law was going to faint on the spot. Neither my husband or I drink, and I was tired of going to weddings and see people embarrass themselves and others because they had no self control. I said, it's my wedding, and I'll do it how I want. It's not about you, they tell me. Not about ME? I'm the bride. If it's not about me, who in the world is it about????

Nearly 18 months ago, my boss hired a new resource, supposedly to help take some of the load off me. Unfortunately it was a gross miscalculation, and ended up nearly tripling a work load that was already double. Thanks to one of my pastors and a friend of mine, I was finally able to pray about it, and 2 weeks later, the resource was fired. Now, I didn't want the person to lose their job, I just didn't want them working with me. I was ever so thankful, but I did ask God why it took Him so long to deal with it. "Why my child, it wasn't about what you wanted, but what I wanted." Cue the raised eyebrow. Had I known what it was He wanted, it might have been easier to deal with the whole situation, but I suppose that was kind of the point.

Most recently, I bought a car. I was very excited about it - extra freedom and all that. Something that was all mine AND it had a cassette player. I haven't yet gotten around to converting my Culture Club, George Michael, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam, Morris Day and the Time to CD yet, so I was doing dixie! God taps me on the shoulder and says "Enjoy it while you can, you won't have it long." - Pshaw - I'ma take care of this puppy, mark my words. And I did just that...for 2 weeks. Then I get a call from a friend who's in a situation and would very much appreciate the loan of my car. It's a bit of a deal, but not a big deal. So I lend it. One morning, the little voice in my head tells me to have my friend added to my car insurance policy, so I do - just in case. Long story short, my friend likes the car and wants to buy it from me, as their situation isn't resolved and may not be for some time. This distresses me somewhat. I just got reacquainted with George, George, Lisa Lisa and Morris, I CAN'T give them up again so soon! I mean, come ON! I sell the car, and I get a call a few days later. Could I have my insurance company call hers to confirm that she was on my policy. Since this is the first car she's ever owned, this call could make an $800 difference on her policy. Well pick my peas and fry my bacon, how fortuitous for her. As I marvel over this turn of events, doesn't God tell me that it wasn't about what I needed, but what she would need.

And as I reflected on this the last few days, wondering when it would ever be about me (still under the radar of course). I came to understand that it would NEVER be about me. As long as I continue to follow God's plan, my wants and needs will be taken care of - though it'd be nice to have a copy of that road map.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. - Romans 8: 28 (NKJV)

Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith? “And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. - Luke 12:27-30 (NKJV)

Can I do this?

My husband has been after me for the longest while to start a blog. He thinks I write well, and people will enjoy my quirky sense of humor. That remains to be seen, but I figured I'd finally give it a try. Most folk seem to use blogging as an outlet for their thoughts, and heaven knows I got a LOT of thoughts ... maybe it's about time I stopped talking to myself, and share them with the world. A kind of scary thought since I'm rather an introvert. Maybe I should start by introducing myself... ( and using the word "thought" a little less LOL)

Becki is a nickname. Now, while I don't have a split personality, Becki is my "bold" face... the persona I put on when I want to be daring or outrageous. Becki is a trip, the life of the party, not much she won't do, a dare she won't take - illegal or immoral, doesn't really matter or rather, it didn't. I'm starting to grow up now (I'm 39 this year), so the illegal and immoral stuff requires a lot of extra reflection :) That's the face I'm choosing to use here in cyberspace for now, cuz this is a risk for me... putting a piece of myself out there for all to see.

A bit more about me... I've got an odd sense of humor, caustic wit I guess you could say. I tend to speak my mind. Oh, sarcasm is an art form for me. Well my whole extended family really. I'm trying really hard to curb that, because it makes my work day longer. People say the darnedest things, and there I am trying not to sever my tongue from biting it because I don't want to get fired. Must be the reason I'm not a supervisor yet. Ah well, some things can't be helped I guess.

I love to write, am finally starting to work towards writing for pleasure, and hey, for cash wouldn't be a bad thing, I don't watch a lot of T.V., but I have a few faves. I love Amazing Race - never thought I would, but after seeing Season 10, I had to go back and watch them all. I'm a fan of American Idol, and do NOT interrupt me when I'm watching General Hospital. Especially this week, since some chicken headed woman sabotaged Spinelli and got him arrested by the FBI. OK, she was an undercover FBI agent, and what Spin did was illegal, but Damien Spinelli is an absolute sweetheart, and we all adore him. See, don't get me started. Maybe I'll decide to blog on GH, I could go on for hours about it, kind of like my best friend does about Guild Wars. Oh yeah, I'm also a gamer. Yes, at 39, I probably should have grown out of it, but since I only started 3 years ago or so, I got time.

So there you have it, a glimpse of me. It's a start, for a first blog. Maybe I'll try my hand at it again in the near future. And if I do, remember, I'll save a spot on Becki's bench just for you. We can chat about the wonder of God's creation, rewrite situations so that we give some git an extra special piece of our mind, or just sit and have a good laugh (which between you and me, is the most likely scenario).

Until next time,
Becki.