I wanna try something

It's a new day, and I've made up my mind to try again. More writing. I've actually got something I want to get off my chest. Cyberspace is great for that. I'm also going to make it more challenging. I was reading a book about finding one's voice, and there are great writing exercises in it. One of them is to try to rewrite a news story using single syllable words. So, I thought I'd try it. Not the news story part though.

I have a friend. I think my friend will have a hard time soon. She is there for each one near her, like her ma, her pa, her son, and so on. If we need help, she will help. She does not think about her needs or wants, or if she does, she feels they do not need to be dealt with for now. A lot of us have turned to her of late, and I think this will soon take a toll on her. I think she might be on her way to a burn out, and I do not know how to help. I do not think I can tell her to take it easy, she will not hear me. But I want her to know I care, that I am here for her, just to lend an ear, or a hand or any thing else she may need. How can I tell her this and not make her mad at the same time?

Of course I can do this!

So many times this year, I turn around, and there's something else or someone else reminding me of what I've been hearing inside me... "It's time to make a change. It's time to do what you've been called to do." Yeah, I know. But I'm not sure I'm ready. Course, I don't know when I'll ever be ready. So forget about New Year's resolutions, I'm starting today. For at least today. Come tomorrow, I'll start again. And the day after that... Until it becomes a habit.

I'm gonna just come right out and say it. I am a writer. That is one of my callings. Is it the only one? I don't know. But it's certainly a big one. Words are my friends. I know how to use them. I'm really good at using them as weapons. Ask anyone I work with. You're sure to easily find someone who has been scarred by my words, some are still hemorrhaging months later. Forget that, ask my husband. :) I'm even better at using them to create walls and masks. It's how I protect myself. Countries wish they had defenses as strong as the walls I build with my words. It's time I learn to use them as a soft caress, as a blanket. Words can soothe. Words can heal. Funny, that's not what I sat down to write, but hey... it is what it is. I'm sure I'll eventually figure out why I wrote that, and haven't deleted it yet.

What I wanted to do was write down my thoughts. When I see it "on paper", it's easier to make sense of things. I've been asking myself for the last few weeks, Why do I listen to the lies of the Devil? Not an original thought of mine. I was at a conference or listening to a tape or something. The speaker made this observation, and obviously it struck a chord somewhere within me, that is finally reaching my consciousness.

For those of you new to this blog, I am a Christian, I have been since I was a child. When I was a teen, I had no problem hearing God's voice and following it. And overall, life was pretty good. Somewhere along the line, I stopped listening. After a while, I forgot how to listen, and then I somehow became hard of hearing when it came to God's voice. I still went to church from time to time, certainly for "The Majors" - Good Friday, Easter Sunday and Christmas. Did the Sunday Christian thing - you know... as soon as you're out of sight of the church and the people in it, do what you want. But part of the truth of the matter is, Christianity is about who you are, and whose you are. I'll come back to that in a minute.

I don't know if this has been your experience, but it's certainly been mine. There's always someone around to throw negative at you... You can't do that, You're too fat / little / big /stupid /whatever. Usually it's me saying it to myself. And I believe it. When did that happen? When I was a girl, there were so many things I was gonna do and be. Life was before me with so many possibilities. Where in the world did they all go?

There were three things that I wanted to be with all my heart when I grew up - a wife, a mother, and a writer. Well, I am a wife. I haven't been the best, but I have tried, and I've spoken to women that I think are good wives, learn what they do and have done. Read books about being a good wife. Asked my husband... I think I'm doing ok, but there's room for improvement. I am a mother. Same thing. Not the best, but I've studied, and am still studying, trying to learn what skills a good mother possesses. And people tell me I'm a good mother.

So why in the world, couldn't I be a good writer? Why am I giving into fear - False Evidence Appearing Real - silly acronym if ever there was one, but really... Where's the evidence? I'm going by hearsay now? And I love it when God drops these little nuggets in my spirit... learning to hear the voice. God just reminded me of why I stopped writing way back when. I had written a story, and one of the people I had written about found it, and was absolutely furious. I hadn't written anything negative about the person, but the story overall was negative I suppose. It's all about perspective, and I didn't know about changing names to protect the innocent back then. Anyway, I decided then that I wouldn't write again - and I haven't but for school. What God just told me is that that one incident should prove that I am a writer. It was fiction, and it evoked a strong emotion in someone. Isn't that what all writers aspire to?

Writing is a skill that I have, and it's time I develop it. I've attended a couple of writers' workshops and conferences. So far it's been wasted money because I haven't done anything with it. Time to change that. Time to face some truths. I am God's child. He knew me before I was in my mother's womb. He has counted every hair on my head. God knows me inside and out, and still I am His beloved. How amazing is that? And if there's is one thing I have always known, He is the God of Truth. He says I am a writer, who am I to doubt this or to believe any one or anything that says otherwise. All that's left is for me to act in accordance with that Truth. It's gonna be quite an adventure. Stick around!

He sure told me!

I'm having a "discussion" with God. You know, one of those pointless discussions, because He's obviously right, and I'm not, you know what I mean?

Has this ever happened to you? I'm not a morning person on a good day. If I had my way, I'd be going to bed as the sun comes up. But this morning, I'm in my state of half stupor, having a real in-depth conversation with myself, since that's the only time I really pay attention to what I have to say - no outside distractions, right? So I'm having this conversation with myself about vices... okay, sin then, if I'm being honest, mine in particular. I have this one sin that I keep doing over and over. I know we're not perfect, and all have sinned and all that, but the whole point is once you know about it, you get some measure of self control and stop it. Or at least, that's what I've been taught.

My smarter self says to me, why don't you pray about it, since you're having so much trouble. So I do, and half way through my prayer, my half asleep stupid self decided to get smart mouthed with the Lord (or at least, that's what hindsight is telling me - at the time it seemed like a legitimate question). I wanted to know what happened with this whole "lead me not into temptation" business. Doesn't God pick that particularly moment to answer me clearly. All the other times I've been begging to hear Him, now He talks (but that might go back to my half stupor and actually not being distracted, so I probably only just heard Him). You know what He says? He says, I'm not leading you into temptation, you're going out looking for it.

Well pick my peas and fry my bacon. I don't want to hear the truth!!!! What kind of madness is that? As you can well imagine, I just stopped asking questions right there. It's early Monday morning. That was more truth than I was prepared for at that hour of the day, and really, I didn't expect an answer. Not such a clear one any way. As if that isn't bad enough, I've got my smart self yammering away in the back of my head all morning. "looks like you're gonna have to make different choices, huh?" "Thought you'd get a quick fix, did you? A little sprinkle of pixie dust, or a little breath of the Holy Spirit, and it would all go away? HA!" I'm just about ready to soak my head I tell you.

What do you guys do when you find yourselves in that position, if it's ever happened? And if not, how'd you manage not to?

What does our faith really mean?

It's been a while, I know. But I'm back, at least for now anyway, and I'm annoyed. You know, a real West-Indian vex. I probably working myself up, if the truth be told. This is what has my knickers in a twist - hopefully I'll make sense. My gran died a couple of days ago. My ma asked me to take care of arranging the service with the rest of our family. To tell you the truth that part was surprisingly easy. You know how you hear about someone dying, and people losing their minds arguing about "Well, she would have wanted this" or "He told me it should be this way"? We didn't have any of that. This tells me my gran was pretty constant, and that's a neat thing. So we've put together what I think will be a really nice service at gran's home church, and there's a fellow at the church who's trying to rain on my parade. At least it feels that way.

My gran loved herself some Jesus. And you knew it. If you didn't, you hadn't been listening, cuz she didn't keep it a secret. Ask her how she is... "Hanging on by the grace of God". Ask her what you should do about something... "Pray chile, just pray." Mention you don't have something, or you want something... "The Lord will provide." See you tomorrow gran? "God willing, I'll see another day." See what I mean?

Gran was always in church, or singing a hymn, or praying, or just plain being a Godly woman. At least, that's the woman I knew. And she prayed for us, all the time. some of us went astray, but I think it's a testament to her memory, that just about all of us... (I think there's 17 or so of us grand, great-grand, and great-great grandkids)... have a home church and a faith in Jesus and the Resurrection. We are where we are not only because my gran loved us, but because of her firm and unyielding faith. Which brings me to my vex.

Gran believed, I mean she believed, in the Resurrection. It is our hope of glory, that we be made perfect in Christ. Now she's died, and you better believe she's up there dancing with the angels and God Himself. And He is well pleased with her. That's what she believed. That's what I believe. That's what my family believes. So, isn't that reason to be happy? reason to celebrate? Isn't that the whole point of our faith?

So when I mentioned to this gentlemen at the church, the "interface" between the church and us if you will, that we wanted the ceremony to be upbeat, not all mourny and weepy, he balked a bit. Apparently there's some decorum to be followed. Probably a good thing I didn't mention that we want to dance near-naked before the Lord like King David did. Some of the funerals I've been to will near make you hang yourself, they are just so depressing. Well gran wasn't a sad person. Oh yeah, this gent also told me in my first phone call that we were having a full communion service. Granted, it wouldn't have been my first choice, but I don't object. Since communion is one of the deepest forms of worship, if you ask me, why not sing songs of worship at the same time. Well who told me to ask that? And ignore the warning signs that followed immediately thereafter. Cuz I also asked if we could have a tambourine and a drum. I nearly broke my nose on the door that slammed in my face, and this was a phone conversation. My man was NOT happy. Is this a funeral or a party? There are some things that are simply not done in our church. Well excuse me Mister Man, but if we cannot celebrate that those who are dead in Christ are raised in Him, if that's not a born-again Christian, I swear I don't know what is!

I half way feel like we need to go in there and shake this church up... remind these people why they go to church. I mean what is the whole point? What about the prayer my gran and my ma taught me when I was a child... "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." Or the well loved hymn, Jesus Loves Me, the last verse - "Gentle Jesus, with me stay, Close beside me all the way, When at last I come to die, Jesus take me home on high." Well, she did, and He did. Now what, the rest of us shrivel up and moan and groan and say Oh Filth, You weren't supposed to take it seriously?

I really thought that if we believed in Him, our reward was a place in Heaven. REWARD!!! Jesus said, in my Father's house are many mansions, and, I go to prepare a place for you. If Jesus is preparing a place for gran, I will promise you it's not an outhouse! Come on!!!!!! Why can't we be happy? Why can't we rejoice at a funeral? It isn't proper my foot! It doesn't mean we don't miss her. I think it means we get it.

Had a bad day

Right now, Daniel Powter's song is going through my head - "You work at a smile and you go for a ride". Yeah, the smile is not coming easily today. I can't even go for a ride. Right now I feel completely inept, like a total failure. I can't get my hair to turn out right - ever. I can't help my daughter with her homework, and she's struggling in school. I can't keep my house clean. I can't lose weight. Right now, at the very moment, I feel like a whole heap of can't. I am trying not to have a pity party.

But the fact is, I'm an extremely capable woman. I am smart, I have a job - a good one even. I'm practical and logical. I speak 3 languages , 2 of them fluently. People like me. Apparently I have an aura. I don't even know what that means - but two people have come up to me on different occasions saying that there was this aura about me, and they had to come and talk to me. Ok, that's a little creepy, and while one of the two was a man, he definitely wasn't trying to pick me up.

My friend, and fellow blogger, posted a "Prayer for a crappy day". Boy did he nail it. I think I'm gonna go pray that now.

If you really knew me

I got this idea from a couple who "guested" on Oprah, Yvonne and Rich Dutra-St. John. They help break down barriers between people who are different. (check out Oprah's Challenge Day, if you're interested). One of the tools they use is "If you really knew me", a way to help people communicate better and get to know each other. I like the idea, thought I'd challenge myself, and maybe share some things that I don't think people know about me. So here goes...

If you really knew me, you'd know I love to laugh. All the time. Even about things that aren't really funny. It helps me deal with difficult situations.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I don't watch much TV, but I'm an avid fan of The Amazing Race, American Idol, General Hospital and Dancing with the Stars. This year I'm blogging on AI, because the voters vex me no end, and I have to get it off my chest.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I love languages. I speak two fluently (English and French), and mash up a third. I actually understand Spanish somewhat well, but I get nervous when I have to speak it, so it doesn't always come out right. (I can say that last sentence REALLY well in Spanish :)) You'd also know that I vexes me no end when people misuse their mother tongue. "Irregardless" is NOT a word, neither is "conversate", and Ebonics is not a language. Don't get me wrong - if you have no "edumacation", that's different, but if you graduated college/university these are things you should know.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I'm rather shy and quiet. I'm most content to sit in a crowded room and just observe people. The friendly, bubbly person that most see is just a front to protect the real me inside, developed because for some reason it bothers people to see someone sitting in a corner observing everyone else. Which leads to the next point...

If you really knew me, you'd know that people terrify me. Because of people, I do not trust easily. The thing about people is that they hurt one another, and I've got way too many scars. People that are supposed to love you can do and say the most horrible things, and unfortunately that can ruin it for others who are careful about such things. So yes, for those of you out there trying to be my friend, your efforts have not gone unnoticed, and in some cases, you've made a sizeable chink in my armor.

If you really knew me, you'd know that actions speak louder than words with me. Say what you want, I probably won't believe you. I'm watching what you do.

If you really knew me, you'd know that when you're in, you're in. I'm your friend for life, and there isn't much that I won't do for you. But know that my mind is like a steel trap, and my memory is like an elephant's. I've finally learned to forgive, but so far, I've yet to forget. You may be further back than when you first tried to pierce my armor. (I bet I know who's gonna comment on this part first LOL)

If you really knew me, you'd know that I am fiercely protective of my children. Almost to the point of being irrational. I'm working on it.

Oh I can't forget this one, it drives my best friend nuts. If you really knew me, you'd know I only answer direct questions. I'd be amazing in court. If you ask me a yes or no question, you'll get a yes or no answer. I'll be really clear on what you want to know, but if you don't ask... you get the point. Sometimes I have "openness day". Those are days when all restrictions are lifted, and I answer questions as fully as possible.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I can keep a secret. I will never repeat what you tell me in confidence. Oddly enough, people make the assumption that if you tell me, you've also told my husband. Nope... The "vault" is not shared, it is not community property. I will ask you for permission. If you start to tell me something that I realize I cannot or will not keep secret, I will stop you and tell you so. Anything after that is at your own risk if you've been warned.

If you really knew me, you'd know I have abandonment issues. Well, I'm not sure how you'd know, I only found out recently myself LOL. I have discovered that I don't take it well when friends move away... it took a lot of work on my part to let them in in the first place, and their lives are not supposed to move on until I'm ready. (You know who you are, feel guilty!) I've been really good though, and i'm working at maintaining those friendships so that when they come to their senses and move back, we can pick up where we left off. Props to KJ who saw the light and came back.

Lastly for today, if you really knew me, you'd know I have a quirky sense of humor - hopefully that comes through in my blogs. I love play on words and puns, so if you have any, don't hesitate to share. I may revisit this topic again in the future. if there's anything you want to know about me, ask - direct question of course - and maybe on my next "openness" day, I'll blog in more detail on that subject. I'd also like to know what people would know about you, if they really knew you.

Thanks for hanging out.

Doing what's right vs what feels good

I'm not a super ambitious person. I don't have really lofty aspirations or anything like that. When I was a girl, I wanted to be a good wife and mother. I was gonna stay home and bake cookies for my husband and sons. The best laid plans go awry sometimes, don't they? I did get married and have children, but since I work outside the home, my plans for being a good wife and mother went out the window. I had girls, not boys. Don't get me wrong, I adore them, they've probably taught me more than boys ever would have. The real reason I wanted boys was because I wouldn't have had hair to comb. If anyone tells you different, they're sorely mistaken - combing and plaiting kinky hair is a CHORE. I might have baked cookies once. I have not yet mastered the art of getting dinner on the table 5 minutes after I walk in the door, which is 10 mins after everyone has fainted from hunger.

That being said, I'd like to think I'm raising my girls right. People are often telling me how lovely and well-mannered they are. There's no denying that warms the cockles of my heart. But yesterday, I had reason to wish they weren't quite so polite. My youngest daughter tells me that a boy slapped her in the face at school, supposedly because she told him not to cut in front of her in the line. I haven't heard the other side of the story yet, so that may or may not be the case. Either way, she cried and she told the teacher on duty what happened.

Now, I sure know that I wanted to tell my daughter that if this boy interfered with her again, to drop him like a bad habit and kick the stuffing out of him. You know, teach him to be decent if his parents wouldn't. But in this day and age, can we do that as parents? When I was a kid, parents would say "if he hits you again, hit him back". If it came to that, you did, and that was typically the end of it. Or, the two sets of parents would meet, discuss, and make the kids shake hands, next thing you know they're best friends. These days, based on all we hear in the news, parents refuse to teach their children about consequences. The "victim" fights back, next thing you know, the victim is being sued and the aggressor is awarded ridiculous amounts of money. Or worse, someone ends up dead, as was the case in this school yard fight.

What I ended up doing was writing a letter to the school to find out what happened, and make sure they knew that I was aware... just in case it happens again. The response was that the child would face consequences - I'd sure like to know what they are. And yes, I know that I'm probably over-reacting and being over dramatic, as we are currently being bombarded with stories of Chris Brown allegedly assaulting a woman. But really, just in case this child is witnessing violence against women somewhere, shouldn't we do our best to correct the behavior now? I mean, I'm all for turning the other cheek, but when I've just been slapped in the first one, the other is turning because I'm just about to give a round house kick to the head. I digress. Thoughts?

It's NOT about me?

I remember planning my wedding, it was a bit of an ordeal. I'm not a party person, I hate being the center of attention. Even being in the same room as attention makes me want to jump out of my skin. But I'd decided to get married, my intended and I wanted our families there, so I was gonna have to grin and bear it. My mother asks if we're having a cash or open bar. Neither is my reply. I thought my future mother-in-law was going to faint on the spot. Neither my husband or I drink, and I was tired of going to weddings and see people embarrass themselves and others because they had no self control. I said, it's my wedding, and I'll do it how I want. It's not about you, they tell me. Not about ME? I'm the bride. If it's not about me, who in the world is it about????

Nearly 18 months ago, my boss hired a new resource, supposedly to help take some of the load off me. Unfortunately it was a gross miscalculation, and ended up nearly tripling a work load that was already double. Thanks to one of my pastors and a friend of mine, I was finally able to pray about it, and 2 weeks later, the resource was fired. Now, I didn't want the person to lose their job, I just didn't want them working with me. I was ever so thankful, but I did ask God why it took Him so long to deal with it. "Why my child, it wasn't about what you wanted, but what I wanted." Cue the raised eyebrow. Had I known what it was He wanted, it might have been easier to deal with the whole situation, but I suppose that was kind of the point.

Most recently, I bought a car. I was very excited about it - extra freedom and all that. Something that was all mine AND it had a cassette player. I haven't yet gotten around to converting my Culture Club, George Michael, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam, Morris Day and the Time to CD yet, so I was doing dixie! God taps me on the shoulder and says "Enjoy it while you can, you won't have it long." - Pshaw - I'ma take care of this puppy, mark my words. And I did just that...for 2 weeks. Then I get a call from a friend who's in a situation and would very much appreciate the loan of my car. It's a bit of a deal, but not a big deal. So I lend it. One morning, the little voice in my head tells me to have my friend added to my car insurance policy, so I do - just in case. Long story short, my friend likes the car and wants to buy it from me, as their situation isn't resolved and may not be for some time. This distresses me somewhat. I just got reacquainted with George, George, Lisa Lisa and Morris, I CAN'T give them up again so soon! I mean, come ON! I sell the car, and I get a call a few days later. Could I have my insurance company call hers to confirm that she was on my policy. Since this is the first car she's ever owned, this call could make an $800 difference on her policy. Well pick my peas and fry my bacon, how fortuitous for her. As I marvel over this turn of events, doesn't God tell me that it wasn't about what I needed, but what she would need.

And as I reflected on this the last few days, wondering when it would ever be about me (still under the radar of course). I came to understand that it would NEVER be about me. As long as I continue to follow God's plan, my wants and needs will be taken care of - though it'd be nice to have a copy of that road map.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. - Romans 8: 28 (NKJV)

Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. If then God so clothes the grass, which today is in the field and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith? “And do not seek what you should eat or what you should drink, nor have an anxious mind. For all these things the nations of the world seek after, and your Father knows that you need these things. - Luke 12:27-30 (NKJV)

Can I do this?

My husband has been after me for the longest while to start a blog. He thinks I write well, and people will enjoy my quirky sense of humor. That remains to be seen, but I figured I'd finally give it a try. Most folk seem to use blogging as an outlet for their thoughts, and heaven knows I got a LOT of thoughts ... maybe it's about time I stopped talking to myself, and share them with the world. A kind of scary thought since I'm rather an introvert. Maybe I should start by introducing myself... ( and using the word "thought" a little less LOL)

Becki is a nickname. Now, while I don't have a split personality, Becki is my "bold" face... the persona I put on when I want to be daring or outrageous. Becki is a trip, the life of the party, not much she won't do, a dare she won't take - illegal or immoral, doesn't really matter or rather, it didn't. I'm starting to grow up now (I'm 39 this year), so the illegal and immoral stuff requires a lot of extra reflection :) That's the face I'm choosing to use here in cyberspace for now, cuz this is a risk for me... putting a piece of myself out there for all to see.

A bit more about me... I've got an odd sense of humor, caustic wit I guess you could say. I tend to speak my mind. Oh, sarcasm is an art form for me. Well my whole extended family really. I'm trying really hard to curb that, because it makes my work day longer. People say the darnedest things, and there I am trying not to sever my tongue from biting it because I don't want to get fired. Must be the reason I'm not a supervisor yet. Ah well, some things can't be helped I guess.

I love to write, am finally starting to work towards writing for pleasure, and hey, for cash wouldn't be a bad thing, I don't watch a lot of T.V., but I have a few faves. I love Amazing Race - never thought I would, but after seeing Season 10, I had to go back and watch them all. I'm a fan of American Idol, and do NOT interrupt me when I'm watching General Hospital. Especially this week, since some chicken headed woman sabotaged Spinelli and got him arrested by the FBI. OK, she was an undercover FBI agent, and what Spin did was illegal, but Damien Spinelli is an absolute sweetheart, and we all adore him. See, don't get me started. Maybe I'll decide to blog on GH, I could go on for hours about it, kind of like my best friend does about Guild Wars. Oh yeah, I'm also a gamer. Yes, at 39, I probably should have grown out of it, but since I only started 3 years ago or so, I got time.

So there you have it, a glimpse of me. It's a start, for a first blog. Maybe I'll try my hand at it again in the near future. And if I do, remember, I'll save a spot on Becki's bench just for you. We can chat about the wonder of God's creation, rewrite situations so that we give some git an extra special piece of our mind, or just sit and have a good laugh (which between you and me, is the most likely scenario).

Until next time,
Becki.