I wanna try something

It's a new day, and I've made up my mind to try again. More writing. I've actually got something I want to get off my chest. Cyberspace is great for that. I'm also going to make it more challenging. I was reading a book about finding one's voice, and there are great writing exercises in it. One of them is to try to rewrite a news story using single syllable words. So, I thought I'd try it. Not the news story part though.

I have a friend. I think my friend will have a hard time soon. She is there for each one near her, like her ma, her pa, her son, and so on. If we need help, she will help. She does not think about her needs or wants, or if she does, she feels they do not need to be dealt with for now. A lot of us have turned to her of late, and I think this will soon take a toll on her. I think she might be on her way to a burn out, and I do not know how to help. I do not think I can tell her to take it easy, she will not hear me. But I want her to know I care, that I am here for her, just to lend an ear, or a hand or any thing else she may need. How can I tell her this and not make her mad at the same time?

Of course I can do this!

So many times this year, I turn around, and there's something else or someone else reminding me of what I've been hearing inside me... "It's time to make a change. It's time to do what you've been called to do." Yeah, I know. But I'm not sure I'm ready. Course, I don't know when I'll ever be ready. So forget about New Year's resolutions, I'm starting today. For at least today. Come tomorrow, I'll start again. And the day after that... Until it becomes a habit.

I'm gonna just come right out and say it. I am a writer. That is one of my callings. Is it the only one? I don't know. But it's certainly a big one. Words are my friends. I know how to use them. I'm really good at using them as weapons. Ask anyone I work with. You're sure to easily find someone who has been scarred by my words, some are still hemorrhaging months later. Forget that, ask my husband. :) I'm even better at using them to create walls and masks. It's how I protect myself. Countries wish they had defenses as strong as the walls I build with my words. It's time I learn to use them as a soft caress, as a blanket. Words can soothe. Words can heal. Funny, that's not what I sat down to write, but hey... it is what it is. I'm sure I'll eventually figure out why I wrote that, and haven't deleted it yet.

What I wanted to do was write down my thoughts. When I see it "on paper", it's easier to make sense of things. I've been asking myself for the last few weeks, Why do I listen to the lies of the Devil? Not an original thought of mine. I was at a conference or listening to a tape or something. The speaker made this observation, and obviously it struck a chord somewhere within me, that is finally reaching my consciousness.

For those of you new to this blog, I am a Christian, I have been since I was a child. When I was a teen, I had no problem hearing God's voice and following it. And overall, life was pretty good. Somewhere along the line, I stopped listening. After a while, I forgot how to listen, and then I somehow became hard of hearing when it came to God's voice. I still went to church from time to time, certainly for "The Majors" - Good Friday, Easter Sunday and Christmas. Did the Sunday Christian thing - you know... as soon as you're out of sight of the church and the people in it, do what you want. But part of the truth of the matter is, Christianity is about who you are, and whose you are. I'll come back to that in a minute.

I don't know if this has been your experience, but it's certainly been mine. There's always someone around to throw negative at you... You can't do that, You're too fat / little / big /stupid /whatever. Usually it's me saying it to myself. And I believe it. When did that happen? When I was a girl, there were so many things I was gonna do and be. Life was before me with so many possibilities. Where in the world did they all go?

There were three things that I wanted to be with all my heart when I grew up - a wife, a mother, and a writer. Well, I am a wife. I haven't been the best, but I have tried, and I've spoken to women that I think are good wives, learn what they do and have done. Read books about being a good wife. Asked my husband... I think I'm doing ok, but there's room for improvement. I am a mother. Same thing. Not the best, but I've studied, and am still studying, trying to learn what skills a good mother possesses. And people tell me I'm a good mother.

So why in the world, couldn't I be a good writer? Why am I giving into fear - False Evidence Appearing Real - silly acronym if ever there was one, but really... Where's the evidence? I'm going by hearsay now? And I love it when God drops these little nuggets in my spirit... learning to hear the voice. God just reminded me of why I stopped writing way back when. I had written a story, and one of the people I had written about found it, and was absolutely furious. I hadn't written anything negative about the person, but the story overall was negative I suppose. It's all about perspective, and I didn't know about changing names to protect the innocent back then. Anyway, I decided then that I wouldn't write again - and I haven't but for school. What God just told me is that that one incident should prove that I am a writer. It was fiction, and it evoked a strong emotion in someone. Isn't that what all writers aspire to?

Writing is a skill that I have, and it's time I develop it. I've attended a couple of writers' workshops and conferences. So far it's been wasted money because I haven't done anything with it. Time to change that. Time to face some truths. I am God's child. He knew me before I was in my mother's womb. He has counted every hair on my head. God knows me inside and out, and still I am His beloved. How amazing is that? And if there's is one thing I have always known, He is the God of Truth. He says I am a writer, who am I to doubt this or to believe any one or anything that says otherwise. All that's left is for me to act in accordance with that Truth. It's gonna be quite an adventure. Stick around!